The Digestion of Parenthood
In my master’s program, we were taught how to teach parents about parenting, and there’s lots of cool information out there about adult education. I practiced that method in the earliest years of my career. Eventually, I learned that’s usually not what parents need. Maybe they did back in the 60s before the internet was abound with tips and tricks and thoughts, but now parents are getting information from their algorithm, their parenting class, their doctor, their therapist, their mother-in-law, their mother, their partner, and the book (or blog?) they’re reading. While I fancy myself a good resource, I no rarely hold that style of parenting spaces. Parents (and children) are often more desperate for spaces to digest and be truly seen.
Parenting now-a-days has all this sensory input from products to perspectives, and we’re all so busy with more products and places to be. Our heads are heavy from this top-down world (a phenomenon you can notice in your people watching. How many people’s heads are hinged forward and shoulders are hunched like they’re carrying the weight of the world on their body? This position impacts the entire body’s ability to perform daily tasks - shameless plug for Cranial Sacral Therapy 🙂). The body needs to digest information just like it needs to digest food; this is true for children and adults alike. When the body is unable to process its experiences: take what it needs for future self development and excrete what does not serve it, it becomes blocked (you can imagine a different digestive system word if you’d like (you can imagine a different digestive system word if you’d like. Interestingly, there is a relationship between the digestion of food and the digestion of stimuli).
So how do we, realistically, digest all that information? I invite you to think about balancing the head, the heart, and the hands. Another way to think about that is thinking (head), feeling (heart), and willing (hands/doing/movement/action). This grand trio must work together in harmony. For many people, it’s safe to assume the head is overloaded, the heart is ignored (emotionally repressed) or overactive (emotionally heightened), and the will is underactive. In my anecdotal, completely non-diagnostic experience, I ‘ve noticed trends in behaviors related to these imbalances:
Overactive head parent: quick to anger and blame, steady stream of self doubt, difficulty making friends with other parents
Overactive heart parent: anxious, sad, difficulty in co-parenting relationship,
Underactive heart parent: distant, touched-out easily,
Underactive hands: easily frustrated, gives up, doesn’t know what to do, low self worth
I always think in terms of “seasons,” and contemplating these imbalances is no different. If you find yourself relating to something, honor your season. Seasons change; they are cyclical and impermanent.
In a wonderful book that I would not necessarily recommend to parents (unless you are a homeschooler) but would recommend to all educators called Educating for Balance and Resilience by Extra Lesson Practitioner Jeff Tunkey, we see how to incorporate the will (actually doing something). He uses anger as the example, but I think we can imagine other emotions as well here. He writes,
“To think of anger, for instance, as a gift from our higher self, a small helping of holy wrath that alerts us when something is unjust and needs action. But then our human task is to find action that is based not in anger, but, ultimately, ennobled by love. To correct the wrong, and then to forgive… Love and kindness are the obverse of noble anger. Anger that is overcome and purified will be transformed into the love that is its counterpart. A loving hand is seldom one that has never been clenched in response to injustice or folly. Anger and love are complementary” (p.23).
Mic drop, right? I bolded that line. It wasn’t bolded in the original, but it’s definitely the one to tattoo on the body.
In my opinion, this is the crux of parent development (and therefore parent education). You, as a parent (no matter how long you’ve been a parent), have lived a full life of hardship and beauty, of tears and joy, and ultimately, resilience. You are divine. You are worthy. You are incredibly strong. Your path is important, and all that you’ve learned along the way is connected.
And now, it is connected to your beautiful child(ren). You were meant to learn in conjunction with your child during this season. You weren’t meant to know it all before they came, but you did travel a path that prepared you for this moment.
So, in order to digest all that you’ve been learning in whatever mediums you’ve been learning them in, I invite you to find space:
Take space for yourself where you aren’t learning anything (take a walk, do some handwork or crafts, meditate, journal, read oracle cards, etc.)
Source space where you are able to share your experiences in non-judgement (I’m here for that any day!)
Create spaces for love and forgiveness
So, I no longer educate the head. At Tending the Currents, I’m here to educate the heart and the body.
Next month, let’s explore how this process of digesting sensory stimuli applies to children.